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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27775822">Contact</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mag_lex/pseuds/mag_lex'>mag_lex</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Could also be considered unrequited thasmin kinda (until the end), Denial of Feelings, F/F, It is eventually thasmin with a happy ending though, Smut, i don't know how else to describe this</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:55:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,104</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27775822</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mag_lex/pseuds/mag_lex</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Doctor's world turns upside down, she works her way out of the ensuing mess with the aid of several remarkable women.</p><p>A fic set during the events of S12.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thirteenth Doctor/Other(s), Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Contact</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'll be honest, I'm not sure how to describe this. It's kind of a mix between smut and angst? Smangst? I also haven't re-watched s12 since it aired because I cannot bear to see Thirteen going through it in such a shitty year, but tbh canon compliance kinda goes out the window with this anyway 😉 I’ve also taken some liberties with the episodes because I needed 13 to get more alone time with certain characters for obvious reasons. </p><p>This is probably the last new fic I'll be posting on ao3 - I'm hoping to publish all new content on WordPress only (maglexfic.wordpress.com), but the only thing I've posted since making that decision is an AU WIP and not everyone reads those so! This is just a heads up 🙂 it's been awesome being on here and I've made some amazing friends here so hopefully I'll see you all on WordPress too! 😄</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first person the Doctor kissed in her new body was not someone she had ever expected to kiss. Or hope to kiss, really, not that she was complaining; the turn of events just took her by surprise because she had only ever contemplated kissing one particular person. But that particular person was more than a little miffed with the Doctor at that moment in time, whereas Ada Lovelace seemed to be more than a little enamoured by her.</p><p>"You really are quite brilliant, you know."</p><p>Ada was in disarray, her cheeks flushed and skirts ruffled as a result of the Doctor's wandering hands. </p><p>"Flattery will get you everywhere," the Doctor murmured, resting her hands on Ada's bodice. She was trying to play the gentleman but it was proving far harder than she'd imagined. One simple kiss from Ada and it was like a switch had flipped in the Doctor's mind: she urgently needed to feel more, far more, and Ada was apparently more than willing to let her. </p><p>"But I think you already knew that."</p><p>The twinkle in Ada's eye suggested she did, in fact, know that her words would have an effect. She boldly clasped the Doctor's hand in her own and tugged, leading them towards a rather appealing chaise lounge near the fire. The Doctor knew that the heat she could feel within her limbs was only partly due to the flames flickering in the hearth; being so close to another living person was no doubt responsible, but the kissing had a lot to answer for.  </p><p>"I cannot help but feel we are quite well-matched," Ada smiled, fingers tugging on the Doctor's bow tie. There was silence, broken only by the sound of a log cracking behind them, as the slip of material was released from its knot and slithered to the floor with a whisper. </p><p>"Is that not better?"</p><p>The Doctor nodded, and licked her lips in anticipation for more kissing. She was enjoying the kissing, a lot. And she already felt like she could breathe easier without the tie around her neck, but being with Ada had something of a soothing effect, especially after the day she'd had.</p><p>Her breath caught as Ada slid her hands under the lapels of her coat, guiding it from her shoulders. Without it, the Doctor felt like a weight had been lifted. And with every touch, Ada was easing the burden but cultivating an entirely different kind of tension, one that left what felt like electricity tickling under the Doctor’s skin. Goosebumps made her shiver, despite the warmth of the room.</p><p>"It's so very strange," Ada hummed, hands reaching for her suspenders.</p><p>"What's that?" the Doctor frowned. She was struggling to concentrate and when the elastic slackened to fall by her knees she guided Ada backwards, towards the furniture. </p><p>"The way in which you dress is not typical but it suits you. I cannot even imagine how you might look in a dress like mine."</p><p>The Doctor smirked. When they were choosing outfits for Barton's birthday party, Yaz had half-jokingly suggested the Doctor wear a dress and had written off the idea almost as soon as she'd uttered the words aloud. Besides being impractical, the Doctor hadn’t given a second thought to wearing anything other than trousers. Old habits died hard.</p><p>Memories of Yaz sent a pang through the Doctor. Yaz was waiting for her. But Yaz was also annoyed with her. Then again, she might become even more annoyed if she found out just what the Doctor was about to do. There didn’t seem to be an easy resolution to the quandary the Doctor found herself in, but on the plus side, nobody’s life was immediately in danger. That had to count for something.</p><p>“I believe I know that expression,” Ada sighed. “It’s the look of one who over-thinks.”</p><p>“Sorry, Ada. My mind’s going a mile a minute.”</p><p>“Then let me help you, Doctor.”</p><p>“I don’t know if there’s anything that...you….”</p><p>The Doctor trailed off as Ada draped herself across the chaise lounge. The scintillating light cast by the fire made her look even more alluring and the Doctor decided to stop thinking, just for five minutes. If anybody deserved to catch a break it was the Doctor and, truth be told, she wasn’t entirely ready to part ways with Ada Lovelace just yet, even if she was only going to prolong the inevitable. Wasn’t that what life was all about?</p><p>The Doctor knew she’d made the right decision to wear trousers when it took her the best part of three minutes to find Ada’s underwear under her skirts. The sound of her laughter was charming and when it turned into a sigh of delight, the Doctor felt her ears start to burn. She couldn’t see what she was doing but she could feel it, oh, how she could feel it. Her eyes were fixed on Ada’s face as she put her problem-solving skills to better use and figured out what she enjoyed. </p><p>The Doctor always loved a challenge and she started to sweat as her arm moved under Ada’s skirts, which were heavy and getting in her way; but there was something polite about the way they were going about it, preserving Ada’s modesty, that meant the Doctor was more than willing to put up with the minor discomfort. </p><p>It was all worth it when Ada peaked, eyes squeezed closed as she clenched around the Doctor’s fingers. </p><p>Any remaining modesty on the Doctor’s part disappeared when Ada recovered her senses and practically pounced on her, tugging on her trousers until they were in a puddle around her ankles and settling between her legs. They didn’t even bother with her shirt.</p><p>“Oh,” the Doctor murmured as she felt Ada breathe on the sensitive skin of her thighs. </p><p>“May I?”</p><p>Ada ran her finger along the elastic of the Doctor’s boxers, frowning at them. </p><p>“How curious.”</p><p>“Hopefully what’s beneath is less so,” the Doctor mumbled, suddenly nervous. This was the first time anybody had been so close to her, never mind between her legs. It was almost overwhelming.</p><p>“Never fear, Doctor. I am certain we shall both enjoy this.”</p><p>The Doctor nodded, gulping as Ada eased the layer of material down to join her trousers. </p><p>“I hope so.”</p><p>But her worries evaporated when Ada’s mouth made contact, and they became a distant memory when she felt a wet tongue lick the length of her. Ada was using her mouth in ways the Doctor had never experienced first-hand and it was more than a little eye-opening. She’d always wondered what it felt like, and Ada was eager and willing to show her just what she’d been missing out on.</p><p>The Doctor was no stranger to this body - one of the first things she'd done when she had the chance was give it a trial run, because novelty demanded it and she felt starved of touch - and more often than not, she’d thought of Yaz when she did it. Nothing else had been quite so effective. </p><p>But whatever Ada was doing felt entirely different, more than likely because it was someone else who was touching her, rather than her own hand. The Doctor wasn’t one to be left out of proceedings, though, and since her hands were unoccupied she brought one up to pinch at her nipple through her shirt while the other gently laid on the back of Ada’s head. </p><p>Touching herself and touching Ada like that helped to ground her and she focused on that, even while the inferno between her thighs grew exponentially. If she hadn’t had an inkling of what was coming (herself), she might have been more than a little worried about the intensity of feeling spreading outwards from where they were joined, at Ada’s mouth. And as Ada’s mouth moved more confidently, so did the Doctor’s hand, pinching and grasping at herself more roughly than before. That gave her a thrill that was new and she made a mental note to revisit it. </p><p>The sound of the fire couldn’t quite mask the sounds they were making and the Doctor felt her cheeks burning from either embarrassment or arousal, or perhaps both, but they were superseded by surprise when she felt Ada wring an orgasm out of her with an adept flicker of her tongue. It was not quite what she imagined a first time would be like, partly because Yaz was not there.</p><p>The Doctor couldn’t quite shake the guilt that enveloped her when Ada slid back upwards, resting her head on her shoulder. The Doctor kissed the top of her head and stared into the fire, willing her hearts to calm down. She shouldn’t have been thinking about Yaz like that, just as she shouldn’t have been so distracted by Ada. </p><p>“Doctor, does this have to be the end?”</p><p>Really, the Doctor should have known Ada would try and turn the tables on her and she'd tried - she really had - to leave without a trace, but she hadn't accounted for the fact that someone might kiss her and, so doing, deprive her of rational thought. Next time she'd need to include that in her calculations. Her precious self hadn't been so easily swayed by the promise of carnal pleasures but this body was apparently very perceptive to the idea. </p><p>She winced. She’d been dreading this moment because she was not good at saying goodbye, especially to brilliant people, never mind brilliant people she’d just slept with.</p><p>"I'm ever so sorry, Ada."</p><p>"Why are you apologising?" Ada pushed herself up, unaware of the path the Doctor's thoughts had taken. "You of all people have nothing to apologise for, after today."</p><p>"Ada...these things you have knowledge of - including me - you just can't know. I'm so sorry."</p><p>Ada's face collapsed like a house of cards.</p><p>"But I want it. That knowledge. Of you, and of everything. You’ve shown me such marvellous things."</p><p>The Doctor shook her head. It had been a mistake to let things go as far as they had. </p><p>“All the things I've learned, the advances, the machines...I would dearly love to see more.”</p><p>Ada Lovelace had passion and she was intelligent and sharp and beautiful, but the Doctor knew there was no other way about it: she had to remove herself from Ada’s memories. Dully, she wondered if she might ever have to do something similar to her companions. Once was bad enough and she hoped never to have to do it again, but it was always a possibility. The thought made her feel queasy. </p><p>Before the other woman could start to formulate an argument - an argument the Doctor knew she'd meet her match in - she touched her fingertips to the other woman’s temple in a gesture that was deceptively affectionate because Ada didn’t even try to move away. The weight in her arms increased as Ada slumped and she shifted, easing the other woman off her and onto the couch. </p><p>"I'm so sorry, Ada," she repeated, watching her sleeping face to make sure she was out for the count. She didn’t react and the Doctor reached for her trousers, tugging them up her legs and sliding off the couch as quietly as she could. </p><p>Guilt nagged at her, chased by a smidgen of regret. She knew it would have made it harder to say goodbye if she let herself get too close, and she'd done it anyway. But perhaps it was a good thing, she reasoned. No strings, no consequences, no pain. Well, less pain. </p><p>What she’d done with Ada had far fewer consequences, simply because they were relative strangers to one another. But Yaz would get hurt if the Doctor caved to her feelings and that was the one thing she didn't want. With the Master no doubt eager to resume his search for her, she needed to keep Yaz safe. He would certainly target Yaz if he knew she meant something more to the Doctor, and it was bad enough that his alliance with the Kasaavin had already meant that Yaz had been teleported to their realm. The Doctor would never forget the look of horror on her face when she teleported back to Australia, deeply shaken. She couldn’t afford for that to happen again.</p><p>Ada, on the other hand, would be safely ensconced in history, unaware of how their paths had crossed. It was unlikely the Master would take pains to seek her out. Ada had left a mark of her own, though, awakening something that the Doctor knew she'd have to revisit, but right now she had quite a lot of things to do. First off: scoop up her fam. Next: go home. Both prospects made her apprehensive.</p><p>Yaz eyed the Doctor even more warily than before when she reappeared to return her companions so Sheffield. </p><p>“What happened to your shirt?”</p><p>The Doctor glanced down at herself and realised she’d done a very poor job of dressing herself. Her shirt was untucked and creased and her bow tie was barely tied. It would have been less suspicious to have removed it entirely than to try and pretend that nothing had happened since she’d last seen them. </p><p>“Oh, you know me. Always running about the place.”</p><p>Both of them knew it was a lame explanation but the Doctor was saved from further questions by Graham asking if she could drop him off at the local chippy. Yaz was quiet while they travelled and seemed subdued when they finally parted ways. It was something of a relief because the Doctor had half expected her to hang back, and there was no way she could take her to Gallifrey, but oddly, she felt saddened when Yaz traipsed out of the doors without another word. </p><p>In retrospect, her decision to go to Gallifrey alone had been the right one; it had been razed to the ground, as the Master had described, destroyed and still burning before her very eyes. It was such a vivid image that whenever she closed her eyes, she pictured home. Occasionally, she’d re-visit it, just to make sure she hadn’t somehow dreamt it all, but on one level she wondered if she was punishing herself, somehow, because it hurt so much to see it every time.</p><p>There was still no sign of the Master, but that didn’t mean he was gone. Searching for him gave her an excuse to revisit Gallifrey; even if he was out of the picture for the time being, it would only be a matter of time before he returned, as he always did. The inevitability and the ambiguity of it hung over her head and made her anxious, so much so that when her fam started to ask questions she couldn’t answer, her frustration mounted. </p><p>She became good at biting her tongue, to the point where she simply stopped talking. Whenever they landed on a new planet, she’d let her companions get a feel for it rather than telling them all about it. Her mind was too full of other things to recall and regurgitate banal facts. She was distracted and irritable, she knew she was, so when Graham managed to teleport them to Tranquility Spa, she knew she shouldn’t have been surprised when she was left to her own devices. </p><p>That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. She watched as Yaz strode away, the first of her companions to leave, and wondered how she was going to keep herself occupied in such a boring place on her own. As much as she needed some time off, it would give her too much time to think if she didn’t have anybody with her to show off to.</p><p>The Dregs put paid to any notion of a relaxing holiday, but at least it gave the Doctor something else to focus on other than the fact they were stranded on a dead planet. The parallels with Gallifrey were too close for comfort, and having to deal with Kane, who at first impression seemed cold and unfeeling, added an extra layer of friction. </p><p>Things came to a head quite early on. They had headed to the armoury together to collect supplies for the trip to rescue Benni, while the others prepared the truck they were to venture out in.</p><p>“What were you thinking, building a spa on an orphan planet?” the Doctor asked, still in disbelief that Kane had done something so foolhardy. It was a recipe for disaster and it was only a matter of time before innocent people were put in harm’s way.</p><p>“A few more years of terraforming and this planet will be habitable,” Kane insisted. The Doctor watched as Kane reached for a gun on the rack. </p><p>The sight of guns never filled her with joy, but Kane was moving with military efficiency that the Doctor took comfort from. Kane may be cold and unfeeling but the Doctor was starting to wonder if she was acting that way, herself. In a strange way, she was finding Kane’s absence of emotion a lot easier to handle than the unspoken questions that were clearly plaguing her companions and causing tension between them all. There was tension of a different sort between her and Kane, though, the kind of tension that the Doctor had an idea of how to resolve.</p><p>“You’d be lucky to make it a few months if there are locals out there who want you dead.”</p><p>“Did I ask for your opinion?” Kane bit out, slamming the rifle onto the table in irritation. The Doctor held her ground. Something about this woman riled her up but ever since Kane had laid hands on her earlier that day, the Doctor had wondered what it would be like to feel her hands elsewhere. </p><p>“You’re getting it, anyway,” the Doctor retorted, taking a step closer. Kane tilted her head, eyes flashing. </p><p>“Are you always this insufferable?”</p><p>The Doctor laughed mirthlessly. “Pretty much. But what are you going to do about it?”</p><p>The Doctor had thrown caution to the wind; tensions were now well and truly running high and she was in a terrible mood, and there was one thing she knew might help. She had a feeling that Kane was also in need of some kind of release from the stress of the situation. And after her evening with Ada, she had much more confidence in how to go about resolving the tension between them. Kane was clearly a woman of actions, rather than words. </p><p>“You complained I was too handsy earlier.” Kane’s eyebrow raised but  she didn’t move away. </p><p>“We weren’t alone. But there’s nobody here now,” the Doctor made a show of looking around. “And we don’t have much time.”</p><p>It was hard to tell who moved first but the end result was the same: a fevered kiss, pursued rapidly by fumbling hands. Kane didn’t even bother removing her clothes and instead simply unzipped the fly of the Doctor’s trousers and slid her hand inside with business-like efficiency. </p><p>The Doctor shuddered as she felt firm, confident pressure against her clit, and her gasp was swallowed by Kane’s mouth. </p><p>“We have to be quiet,” the other woman muttered by way of explanation, and the Doctor nodded, head smacking off the wall behind her as Kane managed to push her underwear to one side and started to fuck her properly. She’d clearly done this before. </p><p>It was rough and there was an edge of discomfort but paradoxically it just turned the Doctor on even more and she struggled to remain quiet as Kane thrust inside. She found herself reaching out for Kane, gripping her arm, desperate to leave a mark of her own. She craved contact, to feel something that wasn’t grief or regret; she was starting to worry that she was becoming numb to everything but Kane was, thankfully, proving her wrong. Whatever she was doing felt good and the Doctor let herself feel good. Sometimes it was a lot simpler just to focus on physical feelings.</p><p>But fulfilling that need came at a cost; they were too lost in one another to realise that the door was opening. </p><p>A startled gasp filtered through the haze and the Doctor turned her head to see the back of Yaz’s as she ran out of the room. </p><p>“Oh no,” she moaned, half cursing herself and half swept up in the moment. A metaphorical bucket of ice had been dumped on her head just as she was about to climax.</p><p>“Stop, stop,” she muttered, pushing Kane away abruptly. As eager as she’d been to feel Kane’s hands on her only minutes before, now she didn’t want her touching her at all. Her skin felt like it was crawling with the knowledge that she’d almost certainly hurt Yaz, and she needed space.</p><p>“Did I hurt you?” </p><p>“No, but we had an audience,” the Doctor panted, letting her head fall back against the wall once more. “Moment’s gone.” </p><p>Kane withdrew her hand and wiped it on her trousers and the Doctor let her eyes close for a brief moment of reprieve. She really couldn’t catch a break. </p><p>They’d clearly been away for too long and Yaz had gone looking. She could only picture how they’d looked when Yaz had found them, rutting up against one another with Kane’s hand in her pants. Perhaps Yaz hadn’t seen that? Perhaps they’d been pressed up so closely together that Yaz hadn’t seen the crucial details.</p><p>That turned out to be wishful thinking because when they emerged and re-joined the group, Yaz wouldn’t even meet the Doctor’s eye. She looked more than embarrassed; if the Doctor had to describe how she looked, her best guess would have been upset. Her unease was compounded by the discovery.</p><p>Kane started to distribute oxygen canisters but the Doctor couldn’t take her eyes off Yaz. She regretted what she’d done. But would she still feel regret over what she’d done if Yaz hadn’t found them? More than likely. Kane had been scratching a metaphorical itch but really, the only person who stood a chance of doing that fully was Yasmin Khan, the one person the Doctor couldn’t go near. The irony wasn’t lost on her.</p><p>The Doctor had well and truly made a mess of things, she could tell, but she had no idea how to fix it. It wasn’t like she and Yaz had ever addressed the tension between them and although Yaz might be upset with her, she hadn’t technically done anything wrong. The Doctor sighed as she felt her mood sour further. They had bigger problems to deal with, even though all she wanted to do was undo the damage she’d apparently caused. </p><p>When they finally returned to the TARDIS, horrified by the discovery that Orphan 55 was in fact Earth, Yaz had asked for some time to herself. The others were also reeling and the Doctor felt her hearts go out to them as they dealt with the knowledge that Earth could suffer such a fate. She knew only too well what it was like to discover your home had gone.</p><p>So the Doctor had no choice but to leave Yaz to it; she’d shut down when Yaz had started asking questions so it’d be hypocritical to expect Yaz wouldn’t do the same to her, and she had a feeling the conversation they’d have would not end well. Space and time would help. Space and time and perhaps another, less dangerous, adventure.</p><p>Sure enough, by the time they met Nikola Tesla, Yaz seemed to be more like her old self. If anything, she seemed to be making even more of an effort than normal, which made the Doctor wonder if she was over-compensating for something. She still cringed when she recalled Yaz walking in on her and Kane. But she didn’t question it, instead finding solace in the familiar back-and-forth, relieved that she could shelve her concerns about Yaz for the time being. Perhaps she’d been worried over nothing. </p><p>Except then Yaz was essentially kidnapped and although the Doctor kept her cool and managed to snatch her back from the Skithra queen, inside she was terrified that Yaz had been taken.</p><p>“Yaz, are you okay?” </p><p>They’d made it back to Wardenclyffe and Tesla was digging out his prototype plans for the tower, which afforded the Doctor the luxury of time. She used it to make sure Yaz was alright and realised, belatedly, that it was the first time they’d had alone in far too long. </p><p>Yaz was sitting on a desk, legs swinging in a fashion that suggested she was relaxed, but the Doctor could tell she was a little shaken by her experience on the Skithra ship. </p><p>“Yeah. I’m alright,” Yaz smiled, but it was forced. She hopped to her feet as the Doctor drew near. </p><p>“I’m just glad you’re safe,” the Doctor admitted, shoving her hands in her pockets. This was new, this emotional honesty. She wasn’t quite sure what she was doing but it was an olive branch of a kind, to make up for being so distant. Yaz accepted it gracefully. </p><p>“Thank you for coming to get me,” she said, and this time her smile was a lot more genuine. </p><p>“Always, Yaz.”</p><p>The sentiment slipped out before she could stop it. She didn’t want Yaz to assume that she’d always be able to rescue her; if anything, she needed Yaz to know that the opposite was true. Safety was never guaranteed. But it was the right thing to say because then Yaz silently opened her arms, inviting the Doctor into a hug. </p><p>They didn’t normally hug but a hug was safe enough, surely, and the Doctor knew the contact would reassure Yaz more than anything. She let herself fall into Yaz’s arms and the moment they touched she felt herself relax. She’d needed that hug as much as Yaz had. </p><p>She felt Yaz breathe against her, the warmth of her body slowly filtering through the layers of their clothing. How long had they been hugging for? The Doctor didn’t know, and she also didn’t know how a hug could feel more fulfilling than any of the more intimate contact she’d experienced thus far. </p><p>And therein lay the problem. </p><p>The Doctor pulled away so fast that she knocked Yaz’s hat askew. </p><p>“Whoops. Sorry,” she muttered, and she could feel Yaz watching her as she fixed it. How could a simple hug feel so good? Because it was Yaz she was hugging. The Doctor was still mulling that over when Yaz reached up and stilled her hands, then removed her hat entirely. </p><p>“I don’t want to wear it anymore,” Yaz stated, halting the question on the Doctor’s lips. “It’s getting in the way.”</p><p>The Doctor watched the nervous bob of her throat as Yaz swallowed, and she could see her pulse racing in her neck. </p><p>“Getting in the way?”</p><p>Yaz stepped right into the Doctor’s personal space. There was no way the Doctor could misinterpret that. The move took her by surprise; she hadn’t expected Yaz to be quite so forward.</p><p>“I have to tell you something. All of this teleporting made me realise that life can change in an instant. And if I don’t tell you this, I’ll regret it.”</p><p>Yaz visibly collected herself. </p><p>“This whole time, all I’ve wanted is to be this close to you,” she said, hands restless at her sides. The tension between them was tangible; the Doctor could feel nervous energy radiating off Yaz in waves. She was clearly warring with something, as was the Doctor. All she’d ever wanted was for Yaz to be that close, too. It couldn’t happen, but a mixture of relief that Yaz was safe, adrenaline from the rescue mission, and basic biology was wearing down the Doctor’s resolve. She could smell Yaz’s perfume with every intake of breath. </p><p>They were so similar in stature that Yaz’s mouth was mere centimetres away. </p><p>“Yaz,” the Doctor murmured, “this isn’t a good idea.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“There's too much at stake.”</p><p>Yaz frowned. “Like what?”</p><p>The Doctor sighed. Really, all she wanted to do was kiss the lips that were so close to her own. She just had to stay strong for a little longer.</p><p>“I need to keep you safe. And I can’t do that if we…”</p><p>“If we what? It hasn’t stopped you being with other people,” Yaz replied, and the Doctor knew she’d done a poor job of explaining herself. That was the downside of trying to spare people the details; only she would ever understand her rationale. Besides, if she told Yaz that she was in danger, she knew it wouldn’t make any difference, either. </p><p>“That was different.”</p><p>Yaz scoffed and stepped away. The Doctor missed her warmth immediately. </p><p>“You can just say it, you know. You can just say you don’t think of me like that.” </p><p>Yaz’s shoulders slumped and the Doctor had to stop herself from reaching out to pull her back. She wanted to tell Yaz that she hadn’t meant it, but then they’d be straight back at square one. It dawned on her that she was going to have to actively push Yaz away if she was to keep her safe. And Yaz, wonderful Yaz, had just given her a way of doing it. </p><p>
  <em> Oh, no. </em>
</p><p>The Doctor steeled herself. Words were her specialty and right now she was going to wield them to brutal effect. She could sense Yaz tensing, as if she knew what was coming; as if she’d already convinced herself it was true but that hearing the Doctor say it would be painful, nonetheless.</p><p>“I don’t think of you like that."</p><p>Every word was a lie and every word pained her but worse was seeing those words land. Yaz’s eyes instantly teared up and she turned away, leaving the room with a muffled sob.</p><p>The Doctor swore under her breath, watching her go and warring with herself. All she’d need to do was go after her but then what? The damage had been done.</p><p>And so, the moment she had time alone, back on the TARDIS, the Doctor threw herself into the task of finding the Master once more. Once she found him and dealt with him, she knew they’d be safe. That Yaz would be safe. Only then could she start to undo the damage.</p><p>But he was proving difficult to find, as always. She started to wonder if he was going to come back at all, or if he was deliberately taking his time, prolonging their next meeting, drawing things out for the sake of it. She didn’t have time for that, because every time she saw Yaz her hearts hurt. It was starting to get tiring, especially when Yaz adopted something of a cool front with her and persisted with her line of questioning, probing and pushing for more information than the Doctor wanted to give. Her patience was wearing thin and the Doctor felt like she was holding onto her self control by a thread. There was just too much to juggle.</p><p>In the end the inevitable happened: the tension had ratcheted up to such a degree that the Doctor had snapped at Yaz, telling her she asked too many questions. The look of hurt that flashed across Yaz’s face reminded her of the way she’d looked in Tesla’s lab and made her feel even worse for lashing out. She was doing too good a job of pushing Yaz away, now.</p><p>“Maybe because we care about you?” Graham stepped in, clearly sensing tension. “I mean, one minute you're all smiles, next minute your mind's somewhere else.”</p><p>He had a point but to her immense relief she was saved by the sound of the TARDIS alarms. She’d never been so relieved to see the Judoon.</p><p>Except the Judoon were after a fugitive who said she was the Doctor, and they were accompanied by someone from home: Gat. The Doctor was so shocked to encounter Gat that she almost forgot the danger of the situation she was in; the Judoon were still standing by and Gat was brandishing a gun, but all the Doctor could focus on was the idea that Gat was a tangible link to home. A living and breathing link.</p><p>But that illusion didn’t last because their timelines just didn’t make sense and the Doctor was scrambling to keep up. Gat must have been from the past if she thought Gallifrey still existed, and she didn’t believe the Doctor when she said that Gallifrey was no more. </p><p>“This is a trick.”</p><p>“Check my mind, one Time Lord to another. See what I saw. But you may want to do this alone,” the Doctor warned. What she was about to show Gat was upsetting to say the least.</p><p>After a pause, Gat dismissed the others in the room, including the fugitive Doctor they’d been hunting. Ruth didn’t go without protest but she was outnumbered and Gat was still wielding the gun. </p><p>Once they were alone, the Doctor encouraged her to put down the weapon. She was reassured by the fact that Gat seemed to be listening to her, at least. Ruth’s presence had seemed to amplify the distrust between them.</p><p>“I’m not going to try anything. Please.”</p><p>After a moment Gat relinquished the gun and only then did the Doctor reach out to touch her temple. This time, unlike with Ada, she was giving knowledge rather than taking it away. It was knowledge that she alone had had to bear for several months and although it pained her to share it with Gat, it eased the burden a little. Gat would understand what she was seeing and it made it a lot simpler for the Doctor to show her, exploiting their telepathic abilities. </p><p>She visualised the Citadel, which wasn’t difficult. She still saw it whenever she closed her eyes. She could feel Gat in her mind with her, protesting against the images. She could feel her pain, her sorrow, her shock. Sharing a telepathic link with someone was an intimate connection and the Doctor knew she had to protect the other parts of her mind that Gat might access. </p><p>In all, they were connected for only a few seconds, but it was enough to feel the emotions of the other. Gat gasped as the link broke and the Doctor finally pulled her hand away from her face, an apology already on her lips. But they still felt connected somehow, Gat’s presence lingering in her mind like a shadow, even once they’d parted. It had been a different kind of contact than that she’d shared with the Master. Gat felt a lot kinder, contrary to appearances.</p><p>“That can’t be,” Gat was horrified. </p><p>“I’m sorry, but it is. I couldn’t make that up. You felt it, didn’t you? You know it’s true.”</p><p>Gat nodded, and the Doctor felt guilt of a different kind at their contact. Instead of easing a physical need, she’d eased a mental one, which felt even more selfish. She’d burdened someone else with painful knowledge, but she needed Gat to know the truth. She needed to share it.</p><p>"How? And why?”</p><p>“I wish I understood,” the Doctor answered bluntly. “I have so many questions.”</p><p>“As do I,” Gat replied. She looked shell-shocked and the Doctor felt another niggle of guilt at what she’d done. Showing Gat might not have been the best of ideas, after all. </p><p>“You don’t have to feel guilty,” Gat murmured. Apparently their connection was still in place; the Doctor could feel her brain tingling when she focused on it. “Really, who are you?”</p><p>“Honestly...I thought I knew. But now I have more questions than answers,” the Doctor admitted. She thought of Ruth, standing just outside. </p><p>“But you’re from Gallifrey, too? I couldn’t help but see glimpses of other things. Other memories. You’ve seen so much of this universe. Perhaps too much. You’ve travelled so far from home.”</p><p>Gat’s tone was far less brittle than it had been before, no doubt because she’d been affected by what the Doctor had shown her. </p><p>The Doctor winced. She hadn't done as good a job at hiding herself as she'd thought. But Gat was looking at her with something akin to genuine sympathy and any irritation the Doctor felt started to ebb away. Here was somebody who had an idea of how she felt, but only moments before she had been ready to kill her. She needed to be careful.</p><p>“I’m a Time Lord, yes. But I haven’t seen Gallifrey as it was in many, many years.”</p><p>Every time she thought of Gallifrey now, she thought of it burning.</p><p>To her surprise, Gat closed her eyes. Before the Doctor could ask what she was doing, she felt warmth blossom at the base of her skull. An image materialised in her mind’s eye of Gallifrey as it had been, intact and full of people. She felt her eyes stinging at the memory of it. </p><p>“Thank you,” she murmured, closing her eyes and clinging onto the image Gat had given her. It was beautiful.</p><p>But it didn’t last long because there was the sound of a commotion outside. Gat gathered herself with admirable speed and, to the Doctor’s dismay, picked up the gun from the floor.</p><p>“What’s going on out there?” she shouted, striding over to the door. When it opened, the Doctor could see that her alter ego had somehow managed to incapacitate her captors. Gat hefted the weapon in her arms. </p><p>“Put the gun down, Gat,” the Doctor urged, but she could instantly tell from Gat’s body language that she was about to fire. </p><p>She did, and it backfired, killing her instantly. </p><p>Whatever comfort the Doctor had gained from sharing her knowledge of Gallifrey with Gat was short-lived. She turned to Ruth, appalled. She’d gained some kind of insight into Gat, and her abrupt death had been shocking to say the least.</p><p>“You sabotaged the gun!”</p><p>“Don’t take the moral high ground with me.”</p><p>Ruth was furious but the Doctor was equally so, to the point that she didn’t even hear what Ruth told the Judoon. All she knew was that they were allowed to leave. Her counterpart kicked her off the TARDIS not long after, but that suited the Doctor just fine; she needed time to digest what she'd learned and she was still reeling from the discovery of a version of herself that she had no knowledge of. It just didn’t make sense. The Doctor clung to the fresh memories of Gallifrey that Gat had provided instead, taking solace from them. At least they made some kind of sense.</p><p>She was still thinking of Gallifrey when her companions finally found her on the steps by the console, eager to discuss a message from none other than Jack Harkness, who’d apparently been looking for her.  </p><p>“Beware the lone Cyberman. Do not let it have what it wants, at all costs,” Graham repeated. </p><p>The Doctor shook her head. It made no sense. Nothing made sense. But Jack’s message, the Master, Ruth, Gallifrey...they all had to be linked, somehow. She just knew it. She eyed her companions, letting her gaze linger on Yaz. She had to tell them what she’d discovered, at least about Ruth. They needed to know what they were in for. They needed to know that they didn’t know her, at all. She didn’t even know herself.</p><p>But to her surprise, they pushed back. They stood up for themselves, but they refused to leave her side. And for the first time since the Master had returned, the Doctor began to feel a little less alone. A little more prepared. </p><p>That made it easier for her to part ways with them to get to the bottom of the mysterious events that included a missing submarine and active alien technology in Hong Kong. Of course Yaz had wanted to scope out the alien tech but the Doctor had made a point of scanning the building first to ensure it was safe, and sending Graham with her. That eased her conscience until it transpired that the building hadn’t been empty at all and instead, Yaz had walked right into danger. Again. </p><p>But as the Doctor hurried the group towards the TARDIS, Yaz slowed and the Doctor's hearts sank. </p><p>“Come on, Yaz.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>That was the first time Yaz had pushed back quite so bluntly and the Doctor faltered. </p><p>“Sorry?” Anxiety came across as something more abrupt but Yaz didn’t seem to mind. If anything, her resolve strengthened. She'd become more stubborn and the Doctor wondered if that was due to what had happened between them or if this was Yaz coming out of her shell. She'd certainly become more headstrong of late but she kept her distance, and the Doctor suspected she was still hurting from their conversation after the Skithra ship. Not that they'd had the chance to talk about it, or that the Doctor even knew how to bring up that particular topic of conversation. Suffice to say, things between them had been a little more strained than usual.</p><p>“There was a device in there. I couldn't get it free in time. It looked really important to them. I want to go back and get it.”</p><p>The Doctor shook her head. It was far too dangerous for Yaz to go back inside, but apparently Yaz had gotten very good at puppy dog eyes because she shot the Doctor a look that only someone with a heart of stone could have ignored. </p><p>“We don't have enough time,” she tried. </p><p>“You go. Come back for me in, what, I don't know, an hour or something.”</p><p>Yaz laid out her reasoning and, as the Doctor feared, it made perfect sense. This was a turning point. Yaz had started to push, to be more proactive and to act independently, and on one level, the Doctor was immensely proud. After all, she couldn’t lead Yaz around by the hand everywhere. </p><p>But she also didn’t want Yaz in danger any more than she had to be, especially since she’d only recently avoided being shot. </p><p>Before she could rebut her argument, Gabriela piped up. </p><p>“I'll come with you. I'm more than ready to fight something.”</p><p>With that, the Doctor knew she’d lost. Yaz wouldn’t be alone, so in theory she’d be safer. Her argument that it was too dangerous would be too weak to compete against Yaz’s newfound headstrong attitude.</p><p>“One hour.” It was a concession, and Yaz knew it was: the relief on her face was clear. </p><p>“Hey, I'm Gabriela. You must be Yaz.”</p><p>The Doctor watched from the doors of the TARDIS as the two women headed back into the building, chatting away, and felt a flicker of something uncomfortable. An hour wasn’t a long time at all in the grand scheme of things, but seeing Yaz stride off without her didn’t make her as proud as it had done previously. It made her worried. If Yaz was going to insist on putting herself in danger, it was going to make it harder to keep her safe. </p><p>On the plus side, Suki Chang’s ridiculously well-equipped laboratory was the perfect playground in which to spend that hour trying not to think about Yaz and actually working on the problem at hand. Time was of the essence, not only for the Doctor to find a cure for Adam but for Yaz to find what she was looking for.</p><p>Suki also reminded the Doctor of Yaz, a little. She had an innate curiosity, she was smart, and she was full of questions about the TARDIS, primarily how a police phone box could materialise on a beach in Madagascar, but they quickly evolved into more scientific enquiries as they worked on a cure together.</p><p>The Doctor had enjoyed answering Suki’s questions, especially since every question she answered prompted three more. They bounced off one another well, and it was nice to have an answer to questions for once. She thought of Adam, succumbing to an unknown pathogen in the other room, yet another puzzle piece she couldn’t quite put in place. There were just too many unknown variables to see the bigger picture. </p><p>“It’ll take a few hours to sequence the samples from Adam and the bird, even with your improvements,” Suki explained, leaning against the lab bench.</p><p>The Doctor deflated slightly. She wasn’t good at waiting, especially when she was very aware of the fact that Yaz was potentially in danger and out of reach. </p><p>“It’s still very fast,” Suki reminded her. “Whatever you’ve done is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Once the results are in, I can track changes in the optical density and confirm the bacteria's growth rate. Then we might be able to use that data to genetically engineer a virus.”</p><p>The Doctor perked up at that. </p><p>“That’s what I was thinking! We’re so in sync.”</p><p>Suki smiled. </p><p>“I meant what I said, earlier. You take a lot in, very fast. It's impressive."</p><p>“And I’m a sucker for a scientist,” the Doctor blurted. She was unused to compliments and a bit rusty at flirting. She wasn’t even sure that’s what Suki was doing, but her shy smile in response suggested she was at least flattered. </p><p>“Good thing I am, too.”</p><p>Before she realised what she was doing, the Doctor had pinned Suki against the bench, tilting her chin up to kiss her. Suki was not Yaz, but she was smart and beautiful and available, and the Doctor realised she’d just found the perfect distraction. Nothing more, nothing less. It was callous to think that way but the Doctor had discovered that one of the most effective ways to stop thinking was to lose herself in someone else. Someone temporary. Someone who was not Yaz.</p><p>She moaned as Suki reached up to run her fingers through her hair, her own hands brazenly rounding the curve of her backside as she deepened the kiss. There was nothing but the sound of their breathy sighs and moans, punctuated by the crash of waves outside. But just as the Doctor reached up to cup Suki’s breast, there was another sound, this time right in her ear. </p><p>“Doctor? What’s going on?”</p><p>“Mmph, what?” the Doctor gasped, pulling away. Suki was still holding onto her head and looked at her curiously, breathing fast. Suki clearly hadn’t been talking, unless she could kiss and talk at the same time. The Doctor was thrown by the feasibility of that until she recalled that the voice hadn’t sounded anything like Suki’s. It had sounded very much like Yaz.</p><p>“Doctor? I can hear you.”</p><p>It took a second for the Doctor’s brain to kick in but when she realised where Suki was pressing, she understood only too well what had happened. She’d touched the comm dot on the Doctor’s neck and because the Doctor had been thinking of Yaz, it had opened the line to her. Yaz had overheard them kissing. </p><p>The Doctor was relieved they hadn’t been doing anything more salacious but she still wasn’t quite sure how she’d pass that off. </p><p>“Yaz?”</p><p>“Yeah. Forget about me already, did you?”</p><p>“No, not at all,” the Doctor muttered, shooting Suki an apologetic look as she stepped away to continue the conversation. </p><p>“I’m not even going to guess what you were doing,” Yaz sighed. She sounded resigned. Almost disappointed.</p><p>“I can explain, Yaz.” </p><p>“Don’t. Nothing to explain,” Yaz bit back. “I could hear exactly what you were up to. And not that it matters, but Gabriela and I have probably found an alien planet, so when you’ve stopped snogging whoever it is-”</p><p>“Yaz-”</p><p>“Come and get us, please.”</p><p>With that, Yaz ended the call and the Doctor groaned. Loudly. She just kept making things worse, rather than better. </p><p>It hadn’t taken Yaz long to put two and two together when she saw Suki; she was the only person the Doctor was likely to have been kissing. What made matters worse was that Suki was somebody the Doctor shouldn’t have even been kissing in the first place. She’d used Earth as a petri dish to find a cure for the Praxeus virus and had paid the ultimate price when she’d administered the vaccine to herself. </p><p>When the world was saved, as it always was when the Doctor had any way in the matter, it was time to say goodbye to their new-found friends. Although the Doctor had proclaimed herself a romantic, she'd watched Jake and Adam kiss with a twinge of envy. They'd managed to resolve their problems and reunite. She longed to do the same with Yaz.</p><p>When the Doctor looked for her she was off to one side, talking quietly with Gabriela, but her hearing was too good and as much as she didn’t really want to eavesdrop, she couldn’t help herself. </p><p>“There’s always a space to come and vlog with me. Two Girls Roaming needs another girl. Here, I’ll give you my number. Let me know if you ever want to meet up again?”</p><p>Surely Yaz wouldn’t agree to that when she had the option of travelling through all of time and space with the Doctor? The Doctor heard the sound of Yaz's phone unlocking, no doubt so Gabriela could input her phone number. </p><p>There was a pause and although her back was turned to them as she fiddled with the console, the Doctor could practically feel Yaz turn to look at her.</p><p>“I will, yeah.” </p><p>That hurt. But to make matters worse, the Doctor realised she was jealous of Gabriela. </p><p>That jealousy lingered for weeks. Whenever Yaz checked her phone and replied to messages with a smile on her face, the Doctor wondered who she was talking to. Worse, she couldn’t stop thinking about all of the missteps she’d made that had led them to this point. Ever since the Master reappeared in her life, she’d found solace in the arms of the women she’d met along the way. It just so happened that the one woman she wanted to connect with most of all was the one that was out of reach, for reasons of her own devising. And now she was moving on, leaving the Doctor behind.</p><p>Even then, the Doctor had to question her assumptions. Had Yaz moved on? After all, the Doctor had told her she didn’t think of her in any romantic sense. It would be the most logical course of action, but when did love ever follow logic? The Doctor was learning that the hard way.</p><p>Being noble and good and honourable definitely had its downsides. And despite outward appearances, she could tell that Yaz was hurting, too. Her smiles never lasted that long and she was still far quieter than she ever had been. Both of them were miserable and putting a face on things.</p><p>The Doctor’s hypothesis was proved correct at Villa Diodati. </p><p>It was a little strange to meet Ada’s father, and her warnings to her companions not to snog him were well-founded because he simply would not leave her alone. But to her surprise it was Mary Shelley who almost kissed her, and the Doctor had side-stepped just in time to avoid contact. She’d had enough of the mess that such entanglements created. It was already strange enough that she was meeting Byron after sleeping with his daughter, in the future, but for Mary Shelley to make an advance out of the blue was a step too far. Her mind was full of Yaz, for better or worse. </p><p>She sighed as she found an empty bedroom and closed the door behind her, pinching at the bridge of her nose as she tried to fend off an impending headache. Perhaps she should remain celibate. That might save her a lot of grief.</p><p>The Doctor was still pondering her best cause of action when there was a knock on the door and Yaz entered, lit by the candelabra in her hand. The storm was still raging outside, adding to the eerie atmosphere, but the moment that Yaz entered the room the Doctor relaxed. Whatever had happened between them, seeing Yasmin Khan was always a tonic. </p><p>“There you are,” Yaz stated unnecessarily. She seemed agitated. </p><p>“Here I am,” the Doctor frowned. “But didn’t you just follow me here?”</p><p>“It’s a turn of speech,” Yaz rolled her eyes. “I was turning the corner when I saw you and Mary. Maybe the rule should have been no snogging anybody, not just Byron.”</p><p>The Doctor could tell that she was trying to joke but it didn’t quite land; even by candlelight, she could see that Yaz was upset. Her first instinct was to tell Yaz that nothing had happened, but then she recalled how distracted Yaz had been and how she’d been open to the possibility of travelling with Gabriela. </p><p>“It's not like you've not been having fun of your own, Yaz.” She knew it sounded petty and she knew it was a low blow, but she was more than a little tired of going around in circles. </p><p>“Only because you don't want anything to do with me,” Yaz retorted. “In fact, you’ve wanted something to do with nearly everyone we’ve met <em> but </em> me. Kane, Suki, Mary...but there are more, aren’t there?”</p><p>The Doctor wanted to correct her again, but that was beside the point. Yaz was otherwise right. She dipped her head. This conversation was going to be punishing and she wondered why Yaz had chosen this moment to start it.</p><p>“Ada?” Yaz’s voice broke over the word.</p><p>“Does it matter?” The Doctor could feel herself getting defensive but Yaz was pushing her buttons. She’d become very good at that.</p><p>“I wish it didn’t,” Yaz scoffed. “It’d make life a lot easier.”</p><p>Did that mean Yaz hadn’t moved on? Despite herself, the Doctor felt hope flicker. </p><p>Yaz left her candelabra on the mantlepiece and sat on the edge of the bed. “Why not me?” </p><p>She played with the ring on her finger rather than meeting the Doctor’s eye and she looked so sad that the Doctor’s hearts clenched. She wasn’t immune to the irony of the situation. The woman sitting on the bed was the only person she truly wanted anything to do with, to use Yaz’s words. </p><p>“I can't, Yaz.” The words pained her but she knew them by heart, and she repeated them as if by doing so she’d convince herself of their veracity. </p><p>“That’s not an answer,” Yaz shot back, and now there was fire in her eyes. She looked downright rebellious. “Why not?”</p><p>The Doctor felt her hackles rise.  </p><p>“Do you know what's happened to them? Nearly all of them died, Yaz. Or at the very least, they don't remember me because it’s not safe for them to even know who I am. Neither of those are things I want to happen to anybody, least of all to you.”</p><p>Yaz’s mouth opened and closed without a word. “Least of all?”</p><p>The Doctor grinned, despite herself. Of course Yaz would pick up on that. </p><p>“I'm trying to protect you. If anything happened to you, I…”</p><p>The Doctor trailed off, anguished by the thought. She considered her options and settled next to Yaz on the bed. Perhaps she just needed to keep telling Yaz the truth. </p><p>“Look.” She reached for Yaz’s hands. They were warm in her own. “Something is coming. I don’t know how this is going to end. I cannot be reckless with you, Yaz. I can only do so much to keep you safe but this is one thing that’s within my power.”</p><p>Yaz frowned the way she did when she’d just figured something out.</p><p>“You lied, didn’t you?”</p><p>The change of topic threw the Doctor completely.</p><p>“When?” She lied a lot, it was true; mostly they were white lies but sometimes she simply forgot to tell the truth. </p><p>“When you said you didn't think of me like that.”</p><p>This time it was the Doctor whose mouth opened and shut without a word but that was all Yaz needed to glean the truth.  </p><p>“I can tell from your face, you know.”</p><p>The Doctor was well and truly cornered and her walls were starting to crumble. It had been a very long few months and she was in need of a rest. She was tired of running and she had a horrible feeling that things  were about to come to a head, for better or worse. It might have been the vibe of the house or a sixth sense; either way, they were heading towards resolution, of a sort. It would be only fitting that she resolve things with Yaz before that happened. She’d questioned Yaz’s timing for this conversation but really, it was long overdue.</p><p>“Alright. Okay. Yes.”</p><p>The confession instantly made the Doctor feel better. Was it that simple? She’d been running from everything for so long that running from her feelings had seemed like the most obvious thing to do.</p><p>“It doesn’t have to be anything serious. Just once. That’s it. One time only and we move on. Isn't that better than nothing?”</p><p>So many thoughts ran through the Doctor’s mind that she didn’t know what to say.  </p><p>
  <em> I think we both know it'd be more than that. It would be worse than nothing. Knowing what it would be like, and never having that again would be unbearable. </em>
</p><p>Pushing Yaz away hadn't just been to keep her safe. The Doctor had wanted to protect herself, too.</p><p>“I think it would be pretty good, for what it's worth. You and me,” Yaz continued, undeterred. Her hands were so warm, and so soft.</p><p>Yaz felt nice. The Doctor wondered how it would feel to touch her elsewhere and that was an error because those thoughts of Yaz that she’d shoved to one side, that she’d tried to ignore by finding comfort with other people, came spilling back out again. Of all the people in the universe that could give her comfort, she only wanted Yaz. </p><p>“Just once?” she murmured, and Yaz nodded, but they both knew it was a lie.</p><p>Yaz started to tug on her clothes, pulling her shirt from her trousers, and the Doctor let her. Her resolve had evaporated at the feel of Yaz’s hands on her.</p><p>“Just you and me and nothing and nobody else. Just for a little while. You and me against the universe. Don’t you want to know what that’s like?”</p><p>The Doctor nodded. She did want that. Very much. It felt greedy and selfish to admit it, but she admitted it anyway.</p><p>“I do. I really do.”</p><p>The Doctor kissed Yaz then, and the moment their lips touched she wondered what she’d been thinking. Kissing Yasmin Khan was like nothing else she’d ever felt and she kicked herself for depriving herself of the opportunity. Her intentions had been good, but she’d over-thought everything and had nearly driven Yaz away before they’d even had the chance to explore what could have existed between them. </p><p>“I don’t know how long we have, Yaz.”</p><p>Yaz nodded. They both knew that the Doctor wasn’t just referring to the then and now; nothing was guaranteed. </p><p>“Then let’s make the most of it.”</p><p>Despite the heavy atmosphere, Yaz giggled as the Doctor fumbled with her dress. She’d learned from Ada that period costume was a nightmare to work around and her impatience mounted rapidly as she struggled to get Yaz out of it. </p><p>“I hate dresses,” the Doctor grumbled, and Yaz laughed again as she batted her hands aside. </p><p>“I thought you might like this one.”</p><p>“True. You do look very nice in it.”</p><p>Yaz flushed in the candlelight and the Doctor smirked. There was a natural ease to things that removed nerves from the equation entirely, as if what they were doing was inevitable. They were both clearly keen to get on with things, and the moment Yaz was down to her underwear the Doctor pinned her to the bed and tasted every inch of bare, warm skin that she could find. </p><p>She catalogued everything as she pressed hot kisses all over Yaz’s body, listening to her breathy sighs of pleasure. She felt the ache between her legs amplify as Yaz tangled her fingers in her hair, guiding her. Before long her underwear was gone, too, and the Doctor stared at her breasts in awe. </p><p>“Yasmin Khan, you are gorgeous.”</p><p>The Doctor couldn’t help herself; Yaz truly was a sight for sore eyes and the Doctor paused for a moment to take her in. As she did, there was the sound of creaking floorboards outside. </p><p>“Wait, wait a second.”</p><p>“Oh no,” Yaz groaned, chest heaving. Her nipples were hard and the Doctor found them incredibly distracting. “Don't tell me you've changed your mind.”</p><p>“No, I just…”</p><p>The Doctor fished for her sonic in her coat and locked the door. She hadn’t even realised she was still fully dressed, despite Yaz’s initial attempts to remove her clothing.</p><p>“If this is the only chance we’re going to have, I don’t want it to be cut short.”</p><p>Yaz watched through hooded eyes as the Doctor used the natural break in proceedings to shed her own clothes as quickly as she could. Yaz welcomed her back with open arms and they both moaned as bare skin pressed against bare skin for the first time. Moments later, the Doctor eased Yaz’s legs apart, sliding one of her own between them. </p><p>“You should probably get a shift on, though,” Yaz murmured, eyes dancing with mirth and happiness and something else the Doctor couldn’t quite place. </p><p>“Someone’s impatient.”</p><p>Yaz’s reply was cut short when the Doctor moved a hand between her legs, unsurprised to find that she was more than ready. </p><p>“No foreplay needed,” Yaz sighed, and then her eyes slid shut as the Doctor slipped inside her easily, starting up a gentle pace that encouraged an endless string of moans and curses to tumble from Yaz’s lips. As much as she wanted to use her mouth, the Doctor wanted to see every expression on Yaz’s face and she braced herself on her elbow, watching Yaz take her.</p><p>“I’m not going to last,” Yaz panted, but the Doctor could already tell from the feel of her. She added another finger, capturing Yaz’s groan with her mouth as she started to move faster, wanting to feel her come apart. Words turned into gibberish sounds as the pitch of Yaz’s voice increased, and the regularity of her moans did, too; the Doctor strove to encourage even more of them out of Yaz, using her leg to increase the momentum. Distantly, she was certain she could hear the bed moving, and the sound of Yaz’s arousal guiding her fingers, but most of all she could just hear Yaz as she lost control. It was the most addictive sound in the universe.</p><p>Yaz’s blunt fingernails dug into the blade of her shoulder and the Doctor thrived on the edge of pain that came with it. </p><p>“Don’t stop,” Yaz moaned, eyes screwed firmly shut. There was no way the Doctor could have stopped, even if she’d wanted to; they’d built up such a pace that what was to come was inevitable. </p><p>When Yaz did eventually climax, the Doctor delighted in the look of ecstasy that appeared on her face. She knew she wanted to see it again. She was greedy. Reluctantly, she slowed her hand. Only then did she realise how worked up she was; the ache between her legs was so intense that she thought she might explode. </p><p>“You’ve been holding out on me,” Yaz moaned, an arm flung across her eyes as she caught her breath. “I knew you’d be good with your hands.”</p><p>The Doctor chuckled as she rolled onto her side, mentally debating whether to give Yaz’s breasts some more attention. They’d been rather deprived thus far and she wanted to feel them, but then Yaz was turning to look at her and the Doctor gulped at the look in her eye. </p><p>“You ready?”</p><p>The Doctor nodded, but in reality she was nowhere near ready for the feel of Yaz’s mouth against her. All of her experience thus far hadn’t prepared her for anything. Knowing it was Yaz - looking down and seeing her mouthing at her, eyes closed in concentration - was more than enough to trigger a climax that left her breathless. </p><p>Not that that stopped Yaz; she gave her a moment of reprieve and looked up with a devilish glint in her eye as she eased her fingers inside, pinning the Doctor’s hips down with her other arm as she resumed licking and sucking at her clit in a maddening rhythm that turned the Doctor’s legs to jelly. She had no idea how Yaz had gotten so good at that, but she wasn’t complaining. </p><p>After a second wave of pleasure had obliterated whatever remained of her strength, Yaz relented; she wiped her mouth with the sheet and crawled back up the bed, back into the Doctor’s arms. They lay there, breathing hard and sweaty, utterly at ease. The Doctor realised, then and there, that she’d been a fool for denying herself. Yaz pressed gentle kisses against her breast and she sighed, content.</p><p>“Doctor, I know you don’t know what’s coming. None of us do. But can you tell me something?”</p><p>The Doctor looked down to where Yaz was pressed against her sternum. </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“That you won’t lie to me again?”</p><p>“Alright, Yaz. No more lies.”</p><p>The Doctor had been true to her word, and it had nearly killed her. </p><p>Things had come to a head on Gallifrey in the end. They were always going to, when she thought about it. The Master’s machinations had revolved around their home and it seemed apt that the Doctor end them there. </p><p>It just hadn’t seemed fair that of all of her choices, it was by rescuing Shelley, of all people, that the Doctor condemned herself. She’d made that choice alone, in the end, left to choose on the summit, and she bore the ultimate responsibility for the consequences. She’d given the lone cyberman what it had wanted and now she had to pay the price. But when she’d said that she couldn’t win, she hadn’t quite expected her loss to be this catastrophic.</p><p><em> Stupid Doctor </em>, she chided herself. It wasn’t the first bad decision she’d made of late. She’d kept pushing Yaz away and thought they'd both be better off for it, but all she'd done was hurt them both. She'd wasted so much time trying to do the right thing and it had been wrong. She'd been so wrong, about everything.</p><p>The death particle was lighter than it should have felt, given that it was about to obliterate Gallifrey and all that remained on it. But it also weighed in her pocket like a ten ton weight, because it was going to separate her from Yaz for good. </p><p>It was unfortunate that they didn’t have time to say goodbye alone. The Doctor looked at the group of people who had to come to rescue her, grateful for their efforts even though they’d been in vain. She looked to Yaz last, desperate to convey her regret and resigning herself to the fact that she’d have to do it without words. </p><p>“What about you? You detonate that thing, you'll die too,” Ryan pointed out, but the Doctor wasn’t looking at him. She was looking at Yaz. </p><p>“That's the way it has to be. And I would do that in a heartbeat for this universe. For you, my fam.”</p><p>
  <em> For you, Yaz. </em>
</p><p>She hoped Yaz would understand what she was trying to say with her eyes alone. </p><p>But then Yaz reached for her, and the Doctor shrank back. It was already hard enough to say goodbye; for Yaz to try and stop her made her decision even harder to stick to. She’d crumbled before, taken Yaz to bed and opened herself up to the possibility of love, and now she didn’t even have a choice. There couldn’t be a choice, as unfair as that was. The Master had well and truly given her no option but to stop him.</p><p>“We're not letting you go. You're not doing this.”</p><p>“Get off me, Yaz!”</p><p>The Doctor was hurting and she hated to see the pain reflected in Yaz’s eyes. She watched as a tear escaped and trickled down Yaz’s cheek. She wanted nothing more than to brush it away, to tell her that everything would be alright. </p><p>But it wouldn’t be. There was no point in lying. </p><p>“Live great lives.”</p><p>She meant it. She really did. She just wished she could be there to see them. Her only consolation was that they’d be safe. Her fam. Yaz. All she’d ever wanted was for Yaz to be safe and as she strode away, she tried to think about what Yaz would do with her life. She knew it would be great, even without her.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em> 13 months later </em>
</p><p>Yaz’s life was not great without the Doctor. In fact, it was quite the opposite. She worked and slept and had no life to speak of, other than trying to figure out if the Doctor had made it off Gallifrey, after all. She knew the odds were slim but if Yaz knew one thing, it was that the Doctor could get her way out of anything. She refused to believe she’d died. It just wouldn’t be fair and although her mum had always told her that life wasn’t fair, Yaz had to believe that the universe wasn’t that cruel. </p><p>But as time went on without any signs of the Doctor, she’d started to believe the universe really did have it out for her. </p><p>She briefly considered joining Gabriela on her travels before shelving the idea, reasoning that nothing would quite compare to travelling with the Doctor and that if the Doctor was going to come back at any second, she’d come back to Sheffield. Yaz simply couldn’t leave. Every morning she’d open her blinds to see if the TARDIS was parked outside. It never was, and so Yaz started to keep tabs on reports of strange activity across Earth, still desperately keeping an eye out for signs of the Doctor. </p><p>There were none. </p><p>Until, one day, 13 months later, Jack Harkness came crashing back into her life, flipping it on its head.</p><p>Yaz sighed as she closed her locker, exhausted from another long shift. She paused a moment to fix her hair in the mirror, accepting defeat when it came to her face; there wasn’t much she could do about the bags under her eyes, and she didn’t want to waste time even trying to hide them. She had places to be. </p><p>The Doctor was waiting for her outside the station with her TARDIS, and her eyes lit up when she saw Yaz emerge. </p><p>“Alright, Yaz?”</p><p>“I am now,” Yaz beamed. No matter how tired she was, seeing the Doctor never failed to cheer her up. Yaz walked up to her and into a hug, breathing in the scent of engine oil and custard creams. </p><p>“How was your day?”</p><p>“Long. And boring.”</p><p>“Want me to see if I can fix that?”</p><p>Yaz pulled back, still holding the Doctor in her arms. </p><p>“I thought we agreed, no more adventures for the time being? I only just got you back.”</p><p>Yaz recalled only too well her first glimpse of the Doctor, fresh out of prison and swamped by a jumpsuit that was too big for her. Even her hair had looked different, pushed back and slicked down; she looked like she’d been held captive for a while, although the Doctor had never told her how long. Yaz dreaded to think. </p><p>“I know, Yaz,” the Doctor pouted, and Yaz was utterly charmed. She knew it pained the Doctor to stay still for too long, and that it would only be a matter of time before they resumed their travels. “But I thought we could bend the rules. Just a little. The biggest ice cream parlour in the galaxy just added three hundred new flavours and I thought we could try them.”</p><p>“All three hundred?” Yaz laughed, although she already knew the answer. </p><p>The Doctor nodded, entirely serious. </p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>“Excellent, Yaz!” The Doctor’s delight was evident and she pulled away to open the TARDIS doors. </p><p>But Yaz stopped her. </p><p>“Before you do,” she explained, “you forgot something quite important.”</p><p>“Oh?” </p><p>Yaz rolled her eyes at the Doctor’s obliviousness and leaned in to brush a kiss against her lips. She felt the Doctor practically melt into it. </p><p>The moment they made contact, the universe righted itself. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As always, you can find me on Twitter @_mag_lex.</p><p>My fics are now on WordPress at maglexfic.wordpress.com. You should be able to subscribe there to all my new ones, since I won't be posting any new fics to Ao3 for the foreseeable future :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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